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As we begin to explore our own values and decide if we are needing some changes with them, we want to remember a few important things about values in general:
We are practicing values whether we are intentional about it or not.
Values are different for everyone.
Values change - it is a normal part of living.
Some values are conflicting and may need to be prioritized in certain situations.
Values are not goals or rules, but like roots in the tree of our life.
In the context of healing from trauma, there are some common shifts in values that promote overall alignment with oneself. As you read this list, consider your own relationship to these values.
Safety and Trust
Survivors may struggle to reconcile a desire for safety and trust with the traumatic experiences that have shattered their sense of security. Rebuilding a sense of safety, both within oneself and in relationships, is a fundamental aspect of trauma recovery.
Autonomy and Connection
Self-Blame and Self-Compassion
Isolation and Community
Vulnerability and Strength
Acceptance and Resistance
Empowerment and Helplessness
Forgiveness and Boundaries
Identity and Transformation
Hope and Realism
There is one way to explore values with myself, and with clients, that is my favorite.
You'll first need a good set of values to work with. You can make this up or find one on the internet like Brene Brown's list from her book Dare to Lead. I have a value card deck I created that includes a collection of some pretty common values that are important to survivors of trauma, like the ones explored above. Keep in mind that the definitions of value words are yours to decide. Most have a standard definition that is usually useful, but sometimes, you need to customize it to fit you. Remember, values are not the same for everyone. For example, my version of respect may look, sound, and feel different to me than yours does to you.
Whether you use a list or make your own cards, you'll want to make sure you pick a place and time when you feel safe, emotionally regulated, and comfortable before you begin. I like using cards because it makes the exercise more experiential.
Set Up
Find space for three stacks of cards.
Lay out the first three cards: very important, important, and not important.
OR
Start a list with three columns: very important, important, and not important.
Sorting
Now, we decide how important that value is to you and place in the corresponding stack (or write it in the column). It isn't too important to assess your behavior in relation to the value at this point. That could come a bit later. For example, respect may important to you but you struggle with showing people closest to you respect. That's ok, it's part of the healing process. Right now, we just need to answer how important it is to your life.
Slowly read each value in your head or out loud - whichever feels best to you and ask yourself these four questions:
Is it important in this moment of my life?
In all areas of my life?
When I make important decisions?
Does its absence anger me? (Think about when others don't display this value, or when you've made important decision without including this value.)
If you answered "yes" to two or more of those questions, it is probably an important value to you. If you asnwered "yes" to three or more then it is probably VERY important to you. Place it in the corresponding stack (or write it in the column).
Narrowing
Discard the not important and important stacks of cards (or columns in your list). Discarding can feel funny. Sometimes a mindful deep breath is helpful here.
Working with the very important values, narrow it down to 3-5.
See if any values belong together and mean something similar to you. Group them together and choose the value that best describes what’s most important to you and place on top. Do this until you have 3-5 core values.
Viola! Now you have a starting point for more value-based work and healing. If/when you're ready for that, try out the prompts below.
Reflection Prompts
What values did your family practice when you were growing up?
What does your behavior look like when you are upholding your values? What about when you’re not?
What major life changes might lead you to reevaluate your values?
This is big time stuff and you deserve a pat on the back, a high-five, a hug, a thumbs up... whatever you prefer.
Until next time...